My name is Ryan White, (my birth name was Eli Hostettler). I just found your wonderful ministry 2 days ago and I have been reading everything on your website. I couldn't wait any longer so I just had to write.

First let me tell you a little about myself. I was born to a very Old Order Amish family in Ohio with no indoor plumbing, electric or modern conveniences. Our Ordnung was very strict; we were not even allowed to see a doctor or dentist except in cases of extreme emergency. I was born at home by a local lay-midwife; the first born to my parents John and Mary Hostettler.

My mother Mary died the following year giving birth to my sister who also died. This became a constant question I would have in later life, "Would they have lived if we were allowed to have a doctor present?" Three years later when I was almost 5 yrs old my father John was killed walking home in the dark. He was hit by a car and the driver never stopped. Since I had no other family, I was sent to live in Pennsylvania with an aunt and uncle, which I later found out that they were not actually relatives.

My "uncle" Samuel, was the local bishop for our community, and if I thought it was strict before, this was a whole new kind of community. Everything was done the old way. We did not even use propane as it was "too modern." We were not permitted to use a telephone or ride in an automobile, even if they were English owned. I say "we" meaning myself, Uncle Samuel, and his wife Aunt Sarah. And we absolutely did not discuss anything with any non-Amish, even to the point of having to treat other Amish from different parishes with suspicion. There was a lot of physical and mental abuse in the household. One question that always brought an argument was about my parents and sister; what had they done wrong that God had allowed them to die and why couldn't we see a doctor? I was told that these, and all my questions, were the questioning of God's will, and that I must have evil in my heart to even think of asking them.

Many Amish would invite me to their place of work at varies times so that I could help out. On one of these jobs I saw a young man that I recognized from before but had not seen in many months because he was from a different parish. We started talking and he would only speak in English to me when I asked him why he said that he had accepted Christ into his heart and had left his community. I was shocked and scared to be seen talking to him but I wanted to learn more so that I could tell my uncle. We met several times after this and we always talked about accepting Jesus Christ into my heart.

While I was telling myself that I was talking to him in order to tell my uncle I started to really listen to what he was telling me. It really rang true because it wasn't the same old answer such as, "That's the way it's always been." In our last meeting we were discussing how we felt about the Bible and I just had this huge burning sensation in my chest. I started crying, and it was then that I knew that what I was being told was true, and I fully accepted the love of Jesus Christ and asked Him to guide the rest of my life. I now knew that this feeling of love and strength would never leave me and I went home to discuss this with my uncle.

My uncle was not pleased with any of my dangerous new thoughts and demanded to know what evil things I had done to allow myself to be corrupted. But no matter how much he yelled, or how much I was beaten, I knew I had Christ inside of me and I would endure. I was locked in the house and forbidden to leave, but I would sneak out to meet my friend. He would have someone drive us to his church (my first ride ever in a van and I got terribly ill from motion sickness) but we would talk to other people and it was so completely different than anything I had ever known. Everything just felt right. I was baptized that day and have loved my decision and Jesus Christ everyday since then.

I returned home to actually try to save my aunt and uncle but they would have none of it. I was thrown out with the clothes I had on and nothing else. I started walking towards my friend's house in another county, even though I had never been there before. In the middle of the night while walking, the police stopped me and asked why I was out so late, I told them everything and they drove me back to my uncle's home. My Uncle was awake by then and when he saw me with the police on HIS front porch he was irate and he denied even knowing who I was. It was then that I realized that I had been shunned. Word spread through the community fast I am sure. Not knowing what to do with me, the police took me to juvenile services.

I was put into the state system and put into various foster homes. I suppose it could have been worse, but I never lost my faith and even helped some of the other children to be saved. The most valuable thing I have other than my love of Jesus Christ is the education that I got through the state foster care. I have made it through college and am now attending Graduate School. I work as a computer information and archival assistant, I can store any kind of data into a computer, I scan in texts, ledgers, old documents, etc., lay a computer grid over it so that it can be retrieved, and cross referenced. I hope to actually attend medical school someday and practice in Ohio in areas such as where I was born.

My most rewarding work has been to help other Amish in my area and in Pennsylvania to accept Christ into their lives. I wish I had found your ministry years ago. I have been reading your newsletters and you are so much more advanced than I am. Many of the people I have been helping want to leave their community but are scared to go through what I went through, or they need more guidance than I can provide, so maybe together we can help them find the love I have found.

Please contact me as soon as you can and let me know that you have received this letter, I know that you are busy, but I'm here to help.

We don't now each other but I heard your tape, and read your brochure. It is wonderful what you two are doing. My oldest sister's family is having some problems. It's molestation by a brother in-law. He has been accused twice before this last time. He made things right with the church before but this time it's his own daughter. He is denying it and I guess they met with the preachers last Fri. night and I believe they swept it under the rug like so many Amish do. I really don't know all the details, but as I was listening to your tape I just felt led to write you. He needs the Lord very badly. His daughter is only 16 and is having many emotional problems, if nothing else I would pray she can get some help, Spiritual that is. I would like to hear back from you, hear your thoughts. I was abused by my brother -in- law when I was very young and believe me it's something that haunts you the rest of your life. In fact my brother-in-law molested 4 of us sisters and none of us has been successful in life.

I think it's wonderful what you and Esther are doing. It's so sad to see how ignorant a lot of the Amish are. In your tape you said the Gospel is so simple that a lot of people miss it. I have said that for a long time. I was so amazed and scared the first time I heard the Gospel preached - I will never forget how I felt. I also felt cheated because of not the knowing the truth.

In this life of hardships and sufferings, I have to wonder where God is through it all. Without God life is impossible, but with Him it is hard. Satan tries to make life look unbearable. Into my life comes darkness like a thief in the night, robbing the light of my life. Praying is in vain. Everyway I turn there is darkness, absolutely no light.

As I cry out for mercy but this is what I hear, "You are a sinner doomed to hell, you are worthless, not fit to live. I have you where I want you, in the pit of darkness, the next thing to hell." There is no way out, if there is I can not see it. The light is gone. Oh God have mercy on me. "Oh but he does not hear," Satan says.

Life is rough and it will continue to be so. I am torn up inside, but nobody can see that. The pain is numbing, especially when nobody cares. I want to leave it all but don't know how. All of my days I have never felt loved. I feel like a rag all wrung out and worn.

After much debate I reach my decision, pain is eating me alive. Life isn't worth living. Hell can't be worse, I hear myself think. God forgive me, but it is too late. With my finger on the trigger, I squeeze, shut my eyes, with one more cry, "God please don't let me do this!" I held my breath for a few seconds, my arms went slack, "Thank you Lord," I said.

I thanked Him for the first time in weeks, then like a train it hit me for I saw the road I must tread. My only prayer was God help me for I am weak, then one morning He finally had mercy to my plea. As sobs wracked my body, I fell to my knees, Heavenly Father I beg your mercy please help me. I can no longer go on without you, I want you in my life, Jesus come into my heart, cleanse me, and make me whole, please forgive my sins.

It was not a fancy prayer, but it was heartfelt. As I looked up through my tears where I knelt I saw light, He came down and touched me, I felt the burdens being lifted; God did it for me! Once again sobs wracked me, but this time for joy. I felt His love, OH! It was so strong! As my heart filled with thankfulness, love and peace, I knew then, I have been saved……