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Dee ’ s News
Vo l ume 4 I ssue 3
Seven Ways to Overcome Social Awkwardness
by Trent Hamm
I’ve spent most of my adult life working hard to
overcome many levels of social awkwardness,
from the very basics of having enough courage to
talk and knowing what to say to start a conversa-
tion to understanding how to read people. Let’s
face it – I’m a strong introvert and the nuances of
making friends, communicating well with others,
and speaking to others is sometimes a challenge
for me. Over the last several years, I’ve found a number of ways
to overcome this problem. Most of these require significant prac-
tice, but the truth is that you can practice almost all of these any
time that you want. If you’re socially awkward at all – and you
probably know it if you are – just give some of these exercises a
try.
1.
Smile at everyone you meet
To me, this was the trick that really started to break things open. I
would often meet people and have no clue how to react, so I
would just stand there quietly with a blank face and not say much
initially. The technique that works best for me is thinking about
what really makes me happiest, and that’s playing with my son – I
imagine doing something completely playful with him and that
brings out a smile every time. Practice by smiling at people in pub-
lic places, particularly if you have a brush with them – you’re go-
ing near them in the same aisle at the store, or you happen to
make eye contact with them. Here’s an extensive guide to smiling.
2.
Practice conversing with people you don’t know
I used to just clam up in an unfamiliar
environment, but what I’ve found is that
if you make polite conversation with
people at every opportunity, it becomes
much easier to open up and converse.
Any situation you’re in where you’re sur-
rounded by people you don’t know at all or don’t know well – a
conference, a trip on the bus, a line at the coffee shop, or your
spouse’s extended family reunion, to name a few – can be used to
practice conversation. Take advantage of these opportunities and
strike up a conversation with someone who appears idle. Even if
you completely bungle it, the worst thing that happens is that you
sit back, think about how you bungled it, and move on from
there. Many of the remaining tips are advice on how to make a
conversation like this go well.
3.
When you talk to someone, look them directly in the eye
This was another trait that was difficult for me to master – I tend
to want to look away from people, mostly because my mother
pounded into my head over and over again that it’s impolite to
stare, so I kept reducing it to the point where I didn’t even want
to look at other people. This conclusion is patently ridiculous –
when someone else is speaking or when you’re speaking to one
specific person, you should look them directly in the eye. It indi-
cates interest in the other person, while looking away without a
clear purpose often indicates boredom and disinterest. Again, this
is easy to practice whenever you have a chance to try conversing
with others.
4.
Memorize names, faces, and information – memorize
people
I find it very useful to find online pictures of people that I will
potentially have contact with in order to see their face and associ-
ate it with their name. It comes up useful time and time again – if
you can come up with someone’s name in an initial introduction
or in a second meeting, you’ve gone a long way to make them
feel good about themselves as well as about you. Before confer-
ences or other meetings where I’m going to actually have to re-
member a lot of names and faces, I actually have made what
amounts to flashcards so that I can recall quickly who’s who
based on face alone, recalling their name and a key thing or two
about them.
5.
When you’re about to have a meal, invite someone to eat
with you
Meals are almost always a way to disarm people
and make conversation easier. Whenever you’re
thinking of dining alone, make it a point to try
to dine with someone else, even if it’s just a
friend. If I’m at a conference, for example, I
never ever allow myself to eat a meal alone –
there’s always someone worth talking to, even if it’s just someone
I happened to meet during the normal course of the day.
6.
Ask questions
If you don’t know what to talk about, think of the first (polite)
thing you’d like to know about the person you’re talking with and
ask. What are their hobbies? What do they think about a particu-
lar article they’re reading? Do they have any kids? This is particu-
larly easy if you’re at a meeting, because you generally have the
topic of the meeting in common, as well as the meeting itself.
7.
Practice shaking hands
Having a bad handshake is a no-no – you don’t want to have a
limp handshake, nor a “death grip” one (the latter used to be my
problem). I found that the best way to practice this was to simply
ask a few close friends for help and shake their hands several
times. It was one of my friends that informed me that I had a
death grip shake, which I didn’t even realize but came to know
later that others also thought it was extremely aggressive and that
it sent awkward signals (think about it – I would shake with a
death grip, look away from people, and not talk). Know how to
shake with an appropriate firmness and be sure to do it when you
meet someone, particularly in a professional situation.
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