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The Amish Voice 15

the child who is less talented or favored.

He will tend to become discouraged,

resentful, withdrawn, and bitter.

Favoritism by parents generally leads to

favoritism

among

the

children

themselves, who pick up the practice

from their parents. They will favor one

brother or sister over the others and will

often favor one parent over the other.

3) A third way parents provoke their

children is by pushing achievement

beyond reasonable bounds. A child can

be so pressured to achieve that he is

virtually destroyed. He quickly learns

that nothing he does is sufficient to

please his parents. No sooner does he

accomplish one goal than he is

challenged to accomplish something

better. Fathers who fantasize their own

achievements through the athletic skills

of their sons, or mothers who fantasize a

glamorous career through the lives of

their

daughters

prostitute

their

responsibility as parents.

I once visited a young woman who was

confined to a padded cell and was in a

state of catatonic shock. She was a

Christian and had been raised in a

Christian family, but her mother had

ceaselessly pushed her to be the most

popular, beautiful, and successful girl in

school. She became head cheerleader,

homecoming queen, and later a model.

But the pressure to excel became too

great and she had a complete mental

collapse. After she was eventually

released from the hospital, she went back

into the same artificial and demanding

environment. When again she found she

could not cope, she committed suicide.

She had summed up her frustration when

she told me one day, “I don’t care what it

is I do, it never satisfies my mother.”

4) A fourth way children are provoked is

by discouragement. A child who is never

complimented or encouraged by his

parents is destined for trouble. If he is

always told what is wrong with him and

never what is right, he will soon lose

hope and become convinced that he is

incapable of doing anything right. At that

point he has no reason even to try.

Parents can always find something

that a child genuinely does

well, and they should show

appreciation for it. A child

needs

approval

and

encouragement in things

that are good every bit as

much

as

he

needs

correction in things that are

not.

5) A fifth way provocation occurs

is by parents’ failing to sacrifice for their

children and making them feel unwanted.

Children who are made to feel that they

are an intrusion, that they are always in

the way and interfere with the plans and

happiness of the parents, cannot help

becoming resentful. To such children the

parents themselves will eventually

become unwanted and an intrusion on the

children’s plans and happiness.

6) A sixth form of provocation comes

from failing to let children grow up at a

normal pace. Chiding them for always

acting childish, even when what they do

is perfectly normal and harmless, does

not contribute to their maturity but rather

helps confirm them in their childishness.

7) A seventh way of angering children is

that of using love as a tool of reward or

punishment—granting it when a child is

good and withdrawing it when he is bad.

Often the practice is unconscious, but a

child can sense if a parent cares for him

less when is he disobedient than when he

behaves. That is not how God loves and

is not the way he intends human parents

to love. God disciplines His children just

as much out of love as He blesses them.

“Those whom the Lord loves He

disciplines” (Heb. 12:6). Because it is so

easy to punish out of anger and

resentment, parents should take special

care to let their children know they love

them when discipline is given.

8) An eighth way to provoke children is

by physical and verbal abuse. Battered

children are a growing tragedy today.

Even

Christian

parents—fathers

especially—sometimes overreact and

spank their children much

harder than necessary.

Proper

physical

discipline is not a

matter of exerting

superior authority and

strength,

but

of

correcting in love and

reasonableness.

Children are also abused

verbally. A parent can as

easily overpower a child with words

as with physical force. Putting him down

with superior arguments or sarcasm can

inflict serious harm, and provokes him to

anger and resentment. It is amazing that

we sometimes say things to our children

that we would not think of saying to

anyone else—for fear of ruining our

reputation!

In closing, consider the confession of one

Christian father:

My family’s all grown and the kids are

all gone. But if I had to do it all over

again, this is what I would do. I would

love my wife more in front of my

children. I would laugh with my children

more—at our mistakes and our joys. I

would listen more, even to the littlest

child. I would be more honest about my

own weaknesses, never pretending

perfection. I would pray differently for

my family; instead of focusing on them,

I’d focus on me. I would do more things

together with my children. I would

encourage them more and bestow more

praise. I would pay more attention to

little things, like deeds and words of

thoughtfulness. And then, finally, if I had

to do it all over again, I would share God

more intimately with my family; every

ordinary thing that happened in every

ordinary day I would use to direct them

to God.

Reprinted from John MacArthur

and Grace to You ministries.

Ways Parents Provoke—Continued

END