Choose your Hard

By Benjamin Troyer

May 1, 2024

When situations arise, and my emotions are stirred up, I am reminded of past wounds and sadness at the level of accusations made against a fallible human who is choosing a harm-filled path. Yet, I am also reminded of God’s unfailing love, His boundless delight in forgiveness, the awe of God's mighty justice, “but for the grace of God, here go I,” and how much healing has happened in the past years. All these are tensions that I get to hold both sides of gently. Thankfully, I do not have to have it all figured out - yesterday, today, or next week. 

The job of our emotions is to help keep us alive. Emotions will tell us “a” story, not necessarily “the” story (the truth). “When our emotions run wild, facts are our friends” (Dr John Delony). "Grief demands a witness" (David Kessler). “Shame eats secrets for breakfast” (Brene Brown).

Over the last few years, I have had to conscientiously choose to step out of hiding and walk through life alone, take a considerable risk, and honestly talk with trustworthy friends, a licensed counselor, and trained wise persons… while at the same time talking with God about the things which are stirring in my heart and mind. 

You know what? Letting safe and trustworthy people into hearing my story was SCARY! Shame yelled ever so loudly at me, saying, “If they know, then they will reject you. You will be laughed at and ridiculed again and again! Just stuff it down and keep smiling.” LIES! All worthless lies. Once I talked about it, the shame melted away. At the same time, grief was able to finish its cycle in me, and my body was able to file the event away in a healthy manner. 

So, to you reading this, when your emotions get all stirred up, GREAT! You are a living, breathing human! You are not broken. Your body is doing its job of sounding the alarm that things are NOT okay! Something must change. Do not run to quiet the alarm and become numb again. I dare you…This time, deal with the root cause of the fire or flooding, which is causing the internal alarms to blare. Go to a trusted friend or trained counselor who you know will: 

• Listen intently and ask a few thought-provoking questions.
• Be comfortable to sit in silence with you as you think about things.
• Gently and clearly tell you the truth, even if it doesn't align with your thinking.
• Not judge you for expressing emotions but will gently pull you back from expressing your emotions so big that you would hurt someone.
• Encourage you to handwrite three letters (that you will NEVER send) to the people who caused you pain and tell them:

A.) The pain they have caused you.

B.) That you choose to forgive them and turn them over to God for justice.

C.) That going forward, they will not stop you from becoming the person of noble character you aspire to be.

Now, read the letters to a counselor, then a trusted friend or two. Grief demands a witness. Choose your hard. 

Þ Stuffing pain or trauma down and not letting it up works for a bit, then it comes out sideways at the most inopportune times and creates more chaos. (Picture keeping a giant beach ball underwater and then letting go of it.)

Þ Forgiveness and healing are both a lifelong journey. They are hard work today, but worth it when you can honestly smile a happy smile, enjoy the warm spring breeze, easily laugh from your toes, honestly empathize with a hurting person, and not be triggered.

Þ Unforgiveness and wallowing in pain paint a massive bullseye on you for others to take advantage of, and you become unendingly miserable until you finally expire. Choose your hard.

Þ Journal on physical paper. It is astonishing how much writing gets the jumble of clamoring thoughts out of your brain space. Typing will help, but it is far less beneficial than writing on paper. 

Þ Lastly, are you properly caring for yourself? Are you eating healthy amounts of nutritious food at the proper hours of the day for your schedule? Are you getting quality sound sleep? Have you bathed and groomed your body in the last few days? Are you going to work? Are you getting good physical exercise? If you are not doing all these at the average level of a healthy adult, then please hold off on making big, life-changing decisions until you are stable and have cared for yourself properly. 

If you want a listing ear, I may or may not be the one to help you. I do have a friend who is a licensed counselor and can connect you to someone who can help you.

 

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