Amish Girl: From Salvation to Excommunication

By Geneva Yoder

February 3, 2012

When I met the Lord as a young Amish girl and was finally able to come out of the Amish some years later, it was a hard and difficult thing to walk through the mine field of explosive emotions and feelings I had during that time. Sometimes the pain and anger would explode inside of me so quickly, it was like stepping on a mine.

In my early walk with the Lord I knew Him as my Lord and Saviour but it took quite some time to get to know Him as my Father. I wanted so much to serve Him as my Master and I loved Him as my Saviour but I didn't know how to come to Him as my Abba Father God. I didn't know my Father God wanted to help me make it through the mine field and to live in victory over all the things that hurt so badly. I had to learn to let His love flow over me and heal me.

If I can help you by sharing my journey through the mine field and the things I learned while walking it out in my daily life, I would be honoured to do so.

What I have learned is God created us with a spirit, a soul and a body. Our soul is where our emotions come from. Think about the difference in the pain that you feel when you hit your thumb with a hammer versus the the pain you feel when your parents say "Don't come home any more! You aren't welcome in our house because you left the Amish!" One is pain in your body and the other is pain in your soul. This will help you identify the difference.

I tried to be tough and not feel hurt by the things said and done to me by the Amish people, including my parents. I tried to shrug it off and pretend I didn't care. But that is not the way God created us. I did care. It hurt me deeply to be rejected completely by the people I loved and it made me angry.

I didn't know my heavenly Father understood how I felt and He hurt because I hurt. I didn't know He could help me get rid of the pain and heal, {if I wanted to be healed}. I didn't even know He wanted to help me in this way. I thought I had to fix myself and I did a lot of acting. Sometimes I acted like I was happy and free in hopes that would make me so.

The home I grew up in was a place of constant upheaval and conflict. Some things were said and done that were very painful for me as a child and young adult. Because of this, the emotions of my soul were raw and exposed when I finally did leave the Amish. I had unseen wounds that had been unable to heal for years because they kept getting ripped open.

One of the responsibilities we have as parents is to provide a safe place for our children to grow in both body and soul. When our children get hurt in their bodies we provide care and extra attention until they heal. We also help them heal from wounds inflicted to their soul by giving them a "safe place" to talk about it and cry if they need to. A "safe place" is a place they can trust. It is a place that will feel their hurt with them and bring comfort to them. As Christians our "safe place" is in our Father God's loving Presence.

When we become a child of God, He becomes our Father and He never fails to provide us with a "safe place" to grow and heal. He never fails in His responsibilities as a Father and has the oil of the Holy Spirit to pour onto our wounds. Remember, Jesus said the Holy Spirit is our Comforter. He comforts us when we come to the Father with our pain.

I finally learned by trial and error that my Father God could heal me if I came to Him and just poured out my heart to Him It was such a relief to find this "safe place" in His presence. Alone in my room, I knelt before the Lord on more then one occasion, weeping and telling Him how I felt. I could tell Him I felt anger, bitterness, self pity and even hatred at times. I could tell Him I knew it was wrong to feel this way but I had no power to turn the anger and hatred off. I could be that honest with Him and He wasn't going to be shocked or leave me. He wasn't going to strike out at me. He is touched by the feelings of my infirmities.

But after each session of such ugly honesty before Him, He would offer His healing to me. I would have to give up the "right" to feel the anger, bitterness, hatred and self pity for all the wrongs done to me. I would have to forgive. I believe this is where many people miss it and why many never experience real healing and deliverance. Forgiveness does not mean to pretend it never happened, but rather a willingness to let it go.

"Letting it go" does not come from me being strong enough to just shake it off or cast these things from me. I tried that and they just clung to me. "Letting it go" is allowing my Father God to remove them and take them from me and out of me. His burden is light and His yoke is easy.

I had to make a decision each time to say from my heart "Lord, I know it is wrong to feel this way and I don't want it in my life. I can't change it and I can't change myself but I am willing to let you change me. I give you this part of myself and ask you to change me and make me whole. I want to be like Jesus and bring glory to you." If I can surrender it to Him in that manner, I am always able to look back some time later and see that I have been changed. The things that used to hurt me for days as I dwelt on them, will hardly effect me at all.

Sometimes I had to be honest and admit to the Lord I wasn't even willing to let Him change me. I had to step back and say "Lord, help me! Make me willing to be willing! Soften my heart so that I can surrender to your will." I had to come to the place where I was willing to give it all up, because the truth was, sometimes it felt kind of good to my flesh to dwell on how I had been wronged and have other people feel sorry for me.

There is a time to share our pain with other Christians and that is part of us bearing each others burdens, but after crying with you, an obedient Christian will love you enough to lead you to the healing stream of the blood of Jesus where you can be cleansed, changed and walk in victory.

Does this mean we will eventually get to the place where things that happen to us have no more power to hurt us? No, we weren't created to be robots, we were created to walk with the Lord and to feel His tender love and acceptance. Experiencing His love and acceptance will far out way anything man can do or say to us. We can walk in victory and freedom. We are more conquerors through Him who loves us!

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