E. Miller

May 9, 2012

I grew up in an Amish home and I don’t remember my parents ever telling me that they loved me. Never got a hug or any praises that I recall. I guess there may have been times though, that they expressed appreciation for something my brothers, sisters or I had done. But for the most part it seemed we were always being pushed and yelled at.

Sometimes it seemed my dad would “test” us to see if he could catch us at lying. He would watch us so closely or dig so deep, if we lied we had to be good liars! Believe me, we teamed up and tried to cover up for each other. It seemed to me sometimes that he drove us to lie. We did not want to get caught at something that would upset him.

One day my sister dropped a jelly dish in the kitchen when dad was in the basement. It of course broke and was a sticky mess. We were just horrified that dad would come upstairs and see it! So my sisters and I helped each other and cleaned it up the quickest way possible. Dad had been telling us that the one who made this mess, he thought is not normal and even mentioned it in her presence. We did not want him to fly off the handle and give her a hard time. We were often told how stupid and worthless we are. And my young mind truly believed it. My mom was more like the peace maker of the family.

My late teen years were full of fear and confusion. So many of the church rules didn’t make sense to me. I couldn’t get any decent answers. Sometimes I had the nerve to question my mom about certain things. Why we had to do some things this way or that way. She would say it has always been that way. Or she thought we shouldn’t question it. Another answer would be that it is better for us to suffer than us making others suffer.

My dad and brothers fought a lot. I have 7 brothers. Five brothers left the Amish, but the one who is schizophrenic is back with my dad again and trying to live the Amish life. He has a sad life (up and down like a roller coaster).

When I was younger I was very run down and often sick. Things changed after I started dating a very special young man. My dad talked about it that I’m looking healthier. He made the comment that it must be because of that boy! Which is probably true, because of all of a sudden I had something to look forward to. The future looked promising to me. Getting married would mean getting away from home!

By the time we wanted to get married my two oldest brothers had already left the Amish. They both got married in the Amish community and left that life after wards.

Well my parents were so worried that we won’t follow the Amish rules once we’re married and maybe leave too. They were hesitant in letting us get married. It got to the point that I thought why not leave the Amish and then get married, if they don’t trust us enough to have a wedding for us. All I wanted was to be with this young man and away from that rigid life. We finally got married, but first, I was forced to say that my brothers who left the Amish are wrong for having left. In my mind I was planning to get into the Bible and find some answers after I’m married.

I am happy to tell you that my husband and I are both born again Christians now! And my husband is proof to me that not all men are as I feared they are. He is a great man. I thank the Lord many, many times over for having brought that special man into my life.

We have a precious little boy about 2 years old and I often worry that we will mess up in child training. I just try to give it to Jesus and ask for guidance. He is our little jewel and a blessing to our life.

I should add that we are no longer Amish. It was very hard to make the change. But there is peace from trusting God and following Christ that you don’t get from being under man’s authority.

Also, I think a huge missing part in my young life was trust. I had no confidence in myself. There was so much tension in the home where I grew up.

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