Mary Yoder

By Mary Yoder

February 21, 2023

I was sixteen and struggling with depression, addiction and immorality, full of anger and bitterness. In my depression and anger, I searched for love in all the wrong places, and all of these things only drove me deeper into depression and despair. I looked for answers, for peace, but had no idea where to find that. In the Amish community we lived in, I was at the age to take instructions for baptism. While I really didn't want to join the church, I thought that might be a way to find some answers. So I, along with one of my friends, started taking instruction that spring in order to be baptized that fall.

As the summer progressed, I felt like there were continually no answers, and there was nothing that could help me. I considered just not joining the church and leaving, but I knew that would be difficult because I was underage at the time, so when I gave up that option, I started thinking about suicide being what I could do instead. I didn't talk with anyone about these things because there was no one I could really trust with deep feelings. I became more and more suicidal as the summer progressed, and I ended up planning a day, time, and place for this to happen. Sometimes, I was very fearful, and other times I just looked forward to not dealing with the struggles I was having. As I went to bed that last night, I struggled tremendously because I felt like there was something more... something I needed before I died.

I had been taught all my life about heaven and hell but also that my being good depended on where I would go. I fully knew that I hadn't been good enough to go to heaven, but I didn't know the solution to that problem.  I tossed and turned long into the night, but finally I knelt at my window, crying, and I said, "Oh God, I don't know you. I don't know who you are or why you created me, but there must be something, some reason, for me to be alive today." I told God that if he would only show me, give me something to live for, than I would not go through with my plans, and finally I could sleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning at church, there was a preacher visiting from Ohio. As he preached on John 3:16, he quoted the verse in English. This was something unusual for the Amish. I never needed to hear or study the verse again. For some reason, hearing it once wrote it on my heart. The preacher went on to describe Jesus' suffering in a very real and raw way as I had never heard before. He ended his sermon by saying, "We can take what Jesus did very personally because Jesus would have done that if you were the only person on Earth because He did it for you." At that point, I bowed my head while crying, and asked Jesus to save me from my sin. Jesus became so real and so personal to me at that moment. For the first time ever, I knew for sure that there was nothing I could ever do to save myself from my sin. I knew it was Him and only Him. God had heard my prayer, saved my soul, and placed a desire to live within my heart! I knew that nothing could ever change what He did for me.

As much as I longed to share with someone what had happened to me, I did not know how to share what was going on inside of me. Plus, I didn't know much about the Bible. Somehow, I knew my parents wouldn't approve. Only knowing John 3:16 in English, I kept repeating that verse to myself over and over again. I longed for an English Bible to read because I wanted to understand more of the Bible. My dad had one, but I knew he'd notice if I took it. I was afraid to ask for one.

One day when I was cleaning in my brother's room, I found a small New Testament with the books in his room. It was one of those placed by The Gideons. It had the plan of salvation in the back along with a guide of where to read according to how you were feeling. I stood for a long time debating whether or not I should take the Bible. I finally decided that I would steal my brother's Bible, so I could read the Bible in a language I understood. I thought that I would put it back before he missed it. The longer I had it, the harder it was to think of parting with it. I kept it and read long into the night each night, soaking up everything I could. One day, I heard my brother tell Mom that he used to have an English Bible, and it disappeared. He wondered if she knew where it was. That afternoon, I put it back in his room, but I pleaded with God to somehow give me a Bible.

Sometime later, as I was working in my dad's store, a new customer came in wearing a skirt and a blouse. Somehow, I connected with her. We started talking, and I shared my salvation story for the first time ever! It turns out that she and her husband were Gideons, and they gave me the whole Bible in English.

Many times I've wondered why I decided to stay Amish at that point where I got saved and became a church member. Looking back, I know I was tired of the rebellion and sin in my life. I thought that God now wanted me to live in submission and peace with those around me. The one thing I struggled with was baptism. I had read how John baptized Jesus, and I wanted to be baptized in the way Jesus was (The Amish use sprinkle baptism). I worked up the courage to ask my dad if I could get baptized 'for real' like Jesus did. Dad kindly explained to me why he thought the Amish use sprinkle baptism. When I still wanted to be baptized, he told me that I have no choice and must be sprinkled the way the Amish usually do it. I surrendered to that, but I always felt like something wasn't quite right about it. 

After I was saved, I clashed with my family on so many levels.   I had lots of nieces and nephews so I spent lots of time with them and told them Bible stories. I got in trouble with my sister because she said the kids had nightmares after I told them about Daniel in the lion's den.

My thirst for liquor and the cravings etc weren't immediately taken from me. I don't remember asking God to take it or expecting him to. I only tried to fill my life with other things like Bible reading, spending time with family, etc.  

Often, when I was discouraged, I would take a walk to the creek in our woods, and I would spend time praying, journaling, or reading the Bible. I had my special place at the creek where a large grapevine had grown into the shape of a heart with the very tip of the heart just touching the water. When I saw the heart, I would think of Psalms 51:10 "Create in me a clean heart, o God; and renew a right spirit within me."

I marveled that someone could see all the wickedness of my heart and still love me the way God does.

There were several non-Amish ladies who invested in me (discipled me, I should say). The one especially with whom I spent lots of time with gave me lots of great books to read.

But something that really stands out to me is my atheist friend who constantly kept in touch with my journey, and when I had questions, she'd help me research things and find Bible verses that helped me settle the questions in my heart. One thing especially that she told me that I'll always remember, she came to our house one day, and I'd been crying about something. She asked me what was wrong and listened to me for awhile and then she said "I don't understand why you get discouraged, I mean you have God. That's enough to carry anyone through hard times." If anything ever told me that if you only have God, you have enough, it was those words from her.

This letter has been published with permission from the owner.

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